THE GROOM
AUG 13–16 · HARPER'S FERRY, WEST VIRGINIA
A Totally Platonic Gathering of Distinguished
Gentleman Adventurers
Who Are Definitely Just Here to Hang Out With Brian
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You navigated to:
Or maybe, mercifully, you typed:
Either way — you're here. There's no going back. Brian is getting married.
Population: ~300 people + 8 extremely platonic gentleman adventurers arriving August 13th
John Brown attempted to kick off a revolution here in 1859. Eight lads will attempt to kick off a chill weekend August 13th. Both events will be equally dramatic and involve a similar amount of yelling.
Where the Shenandoah meets the Potomac. Similarly, where Brian's bachelor life meets its inevitable, beautiful conclusion. The rivers do not care. The rivers simply flow.
The famous trail passes right through town. Eight guys will also pass through several establishments. Both journeys will require similar mental fortitude and appropriate footwear.
Harper's Ferry Brewing Company and other fine establishments will provide essential hydration for all historical research to be conducted during this deeply educational trip.
The Potomac river is prime eagle territory. Whether any eagles will be spotted remains to be seen. Eight distinguished gentlemen of varying hairlines will, however, be thoroughly present.
Harper's Ferry has 286 residents. Eight additional distinguished gentlemen will descend upon it August 13th, temporarily increasing the population by 3%. The town will not know what hit it. (The town will be fine.)
"The Totally Platonic Historical Excursion of August 13–16"
(pre-approved and certified normal by the Department of Bachelor Parties)
The Brotherhood of Distinguished Gentlemen Presents
& Sworn Attestation of Non-Bachelor-Party Attendance
This document hereby pre-certifies that
Brian
and his seven distinguished companions shall solemnly convene
August 13–16 for a totally normal, historically-motivated weekend
in the great town of
HARPER'S FERRY, WEST VIRGINIA
wherein no bachelor-party-adjacent activities shall take place
and a good time shall be had by all eight (8) of them
(this document is legally binding in the state of West Virginia)
* This certificate is issued in advance of the event and constitutes a legally binding declaration of chicanery. The issuers of this certificate accept no liability for whatever actually happens August 13–16. Harper's Ferry, population 286, will not be able to keep secrets. Brian is not worried. Brian should be deeply worried.
[ 5 guests have signed · last updated whenever Brian stopped crying ]
Brian_TotallyCalm_NotNervous · pre-trip · [undisclosed location]
Just finished packing. Brought hiking boots, a Civil War book, and nothing else. Very prepared for this educational excursion. I have told my fiancée I am going to learn about Stonewall Jackson. She said "I know what you're doing." I said "history." This is all fine. See everyone August 13th. 🧱
Quick reminder to everyone: we are 8 grown men descending on a town of 286 people. We will increase the local population by over 3%. Please be respectful. Please hydrate. Please remember we are there for HISTORY. BRIAN!!!! 🎉🎉
I have been reading about Harper's Ferry for three weeks in preparation for this trip. Did you know John Brown was tried and executed there? Very tragic. Very historical. I have also been reading the brewery's menu. Also for history. Cannot wait. This is going to be completely normal.
I am VERY NORMAL about Brian getting married. I have prepared a 4-page document outlining my feelings on the matter and they are all positive. No notes. Brian is great. Marriage is great. August 13th is going to be a totally regular weekend trip for nine (9) regular guys. [This message approved by my therapist]
I have already planned the meals. I will not share the details here because this is a public website with a very long, easily-guessable URL. What I will say is: it will be fine. The food will be fine. Everything will be fine. Brian, if you're reading this, you're going to love it. Do not ask what "it" is.
✍️ Want to sign the guestbook? The trip hasn't happened yet. Check back August 17th.
THE MAN · THE MYTH · THE GROOM
You've been our guy through thick and thin,
through Dan's terrible ideas and even worse ones from Matt,
through late nights and early mornings
and everything the years have thrown at us.
And now you're getting married — which is, honestly,
the most unhinged thing you've ever done,
and we have seen you do some things.
Eight of us are going to Harper's Ferry for you.
We may hike. We will drink. We will embarrass ourselves
in a town of 286 people who may tell everyone.
Buckle up douchecanoes.
We're going as your friends on August 13th.
We're coming back as your brothers.
(We were already your legal brothers. This is just the paperwork.)
To Brian. 🥂
— THE BOYS · HARPER'S FERRY, AUG 13–16 · DEFINITELY JUST A BACHELOR PARTY